Good morning, Beautiful. How are you?

Last year right after my birthday in September, I grew bored with the dating scene in Columbus.  I wanted to someone to not necessarily marry, but to become friends with, share a meal every now and then, talk to, and spend time with.  Determined to prove that a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, career-driven girl can have it all–I took to the online dating sites.  This was not my first time swimming in the online sea, but this was my first time with realistic goals in mind and a mature approach.  I dove deep and passed through those profiles swiftly, working to read between the lines and decipher the bs before I took the bait.  All of those detective shows and my favorite “Fatal Attraction” had given me the skills I needed to avert getting caught on the line of a sport fisherman who was looking for nothing but a good time and was fishing for nothing more than to catch and release.  I did happen to stumble across one man in particular that caught my interest and was worth a closer look–I took the bait.

For ease in communication, let’s refer to this man as “Mr. Scripted.”  Mr. Scripted and I dated for several months.  He checked the boxes….college educated, handsome-ish, great career, has kids but I actively saw him providing for them, he was chivalrous, generous, and kind.  Oh yea, and he thought I was the cats meow!  (I mean, but seriously, who wouldn’t?)  Wow, I thought!  Now, we’re cooking with hot grease!  Well, Mr. Scripted was just that–SCRIPTED.  The very first text I received every morning from him while we were dating was, “Good morning, Beautiful, how are you?”  I thought it was sweet for about 2 days.  Then I wondered was he just cutting and pasting?  Was he sending this out in mass text form to other women too?  Did he really want a response or did he just feel this was something that women want everyday?  Whatever the reason, I found it extremely annoying and lame.  I asked him to call me more and lets talk on the phone.  I don’t like texting, but instead he kept texting.  I noticed he text everyone he was in regular contact with.  But since I’m not 15, texting is not the way to my heart.

You know where this is going.  As time went on, the dinners, the gifts, the compliments meant nothing.  If I didn’t suggest it, we didn’t do it.  He never wanted to try anything new, his conversation was stale, and quite frankly he was just BORING!  I found myself bored and looking for a way out with the least amount of damage. Right after Valentine’s Day, he texts me to tell me that he “hurt himself”.  What grown man tells a woman that he “hurt himself” with explanation?  What self-respecting grown man does this?  Well, I didn’t respond in the fashion that he liked and he just lost it.  I thought, GREEEEEEAT!  Like Tony the Tiger!  I will use this as my out (since nothing else I’d tried previously had worked-oh and I had been trying hard).  He wanted me to keep asking questions to find out what happened, and I was busy at that particular moment and stopped asking.  I figured if he wanted me to know or needed some help then he would let me know. Boy was I wrong!

Fast forward to Thanksgiving eve 2015. I bump into “Mr. Scripted” at the grocery store.  He tells me that he’s been thinking about me but he was too afraid of rejection so he didn’t call.  Umm, okay, Mr. Scripted is definitely not Mr. Confident.  Well, he asks can he call me (which really means text me) because he owed me an apology.  Why did I agree?  Sigh.  Nonetheless, he “calls” and he explains that his injury was actually quite serious and he took his anger and frustration out on me.  I had some words for him about that situation, but I let him know I was long over it and had moved on. He asks will I meet him for dinner.  He really is such a nice guy, just not THE guy for me.  What’s the harm in having friends? So, I agree but with the caveat, “This dinner does not mean I am trying to date you.  I do not want to date you again.”  He agrees.  Well, then starts texting immediately where we left off last year…”good morning, beautiful, how are you?  Good afternoon, beautiful, how’s your day?  Good evening, beautiful, I hope you had a nice day.”  Ughghghghghghghgh!!!!!!!!!  Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!  I CAN’T!!!

Long story short, I was caught either being too nice, or boredom and I saw him two times after we reconnected.  Now, I ignore all of those texts thinking they will stop–yet they continue.  I asked him to ease up on the “beautifuls”–I have a name.  He now omits the word, but sends the same scripted message.  I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I think I will have to take a page out of his book of scripts this week and tell him:  “Listen, it’s not you, it’s me…..we can still be friends.”  That’s a timeless script I can use to once and for all cut the line and throw this one back!  Wish me luck!